Rebirth

As you probably don't know, I had a miscarriage this week. I went Tuesday for a prenatal checkup and the midwife was unable to find a heartbeat and ordered an ultrasound ASAP. Luckily, I wasn't alarmed as I should have been, as I am a little too laid back at times, and don't freak out until I have good reason too. I asked the ultrasound technician if she saw a heartbeat. Her response, "I'm sorry, you will have to talk to your doctor." At that moment, I have never felt so literally alone, and raw. I welled up with tears. Unfortunately, my sweet husband, was on his way home from a business trip. Then I had to wait and wait. Finally I was called back to the midwife, who had seen me earlier that morning. She sat down immediately and the first word out of her mouth was, "Unfortunately..." That is when I really cried. I appreciated her directness, her obvious concern, and the wade of tissues she supplied. She asked if she could call my husband, and I said, "No, he is out of town." She wanted to call someone, but I assured her that I didn't want anyone. Again, I am somewhat of a loner, and definitely needed to have my space. She then said that my Doctor wanted to see me in his office. This is when you realize how important a good doctor is and how nice small towns are. Anyway, Dr. Stubley made a sad situation feel a little better. He ordered a D&C for the next day and assured me that he would be there every step of the way. His nurse is also a rock star and filled out my paperwork and asked if I had a preference for anesthesiology . Of course, I did, and she said she would call him personally and see what she could do. Yesterday, as I waited in the waiting room, Dr. Bragg, the anesthesiologist, came out and shook my husband's hand and hugged my neck, saying how sorry he was and that he was going to take good care of me. He and Dr. Stubley did and then some. I can't express enough, how at peace, I was, knowing I was in such good hands- their hands and ultimately God's. Father Buechner, who I like to call FB, because he is so human and sweet, came back and visited with us too. He was just right and exactly the spiritual food I needed.

Last night I didn't sleep much. I feel like I have been asleep for months, with pregnancy and all the yuckiness that seems to come my way. I couldn't turn my head off and physically I felt so much better. Although, I am sad, I have to say I am really at peace with this. I kept thinking how FB, in his more formal, Episcopalian way, said that I was GREAT WITH CHILD, when he heard my news of expecting. At the time, I kind of chuckled at the formality, but I did understand what he was saying- Kind of. I am no longer Great with Child, but I am GREAT with renewed purpose. I now want to be a Greater Mom to my precious boys, a Greater Wife, a Greater Christian, and ultimately a Greater Person. I don't think I would have gotten that, if I had not been Great with Child, and for that I am truly blessed and thankful.